Starts tomorrow. 🙂
I have been nursing a heartbreak for quite sometime now, how does one deal with heartbreak? You whine? Cry? Distract yourself? Or better still, try falling in love again?
To my surprise, I fell in love with someone I knew for the past few years, to be precise I knew the person for 5 long years. And I have always liked him. The earlier relationship, lets call it a long-distance-I-know-you-exist-kind of relationship lasted freaking 13 years. And all I did for the non existent relationship was wait. And wait I did, for a very long time to brains to dawn on him. The very fact that I waited this long will be an indicator that I had totally lost it. I was madly in love with the idea that I liked him. I was also lost in the idea that there existed no better man than him. And when reality dawned upon me, it was very late. He had meandered looking for greener pastures, I kept looking at the same fellow for too long. Blame my concentration and focus on the anal habit of being stuck on anything that I love for insane amount of time.
So last year March 7th, I had this rude awakening that all was not well and that I was living in my own bubble, which I had created for myself. I no longer had that person to wait for. Of the stories that I heard and found out, he has been looking out for people who were so different from me that blamed myself for being stuck up on the idea that he is is THE ONE.
And why do I remember the date? That is because it was the night before Women’s day, where I was supposed to attend a rally at India gate, A billion rising. I had promised my friend I will come with her. But as things between me and my imaginary THE ONE took an ugly turn, i decided to chuck all plans and just sulk. And Oh boy, Sulk I did, I blamed everything, from my looks to his stupid ideas about about what women should be to my own ideas of how I had wasted all chances of looking out for other options all this while.
The only good thing that came out of it was that I had no more faith in my own heart to look out for new people. And one year down the line here I’m nursing yet another heartbreak. This time I take all the blame. I liked this fellow for the past 5 years, I always bumped into him in my department. He is a regular guy, brainy and above all he has a very warm smile. I fell for his very charming ways. It was something I had hid for a long long time, but this year I had this amazing moment when all things, and heavenly planets and stars lined up to say- this is your moment, grab it. I did not think much, dived head first into it what I thought was the second chance at losing my heart to a person I liked. But no, that was not supposed to be. Turns out he was being friendly.
Darn it is not pretty to be friendzoned after getting numerous positive signs about his feelings towards you. It was like a switch from being lovey dovey to being formal. And the transition was pretty normal for him. I kept looking for appropriate ways to express my shock at such sudden changes. Several lunches and dinners with him and my close friends later, I let my heart suffer another heartbreak.
And this time around, I have no close friends to disclose it to. I have only friends who have asking me to take chances in life and just jump at anything that comes by.
So here is me, reading writing and trying to distract myself from thinking about him. And the out of sight out of mind principle is the one that I’m currently following.
Courage dear heart, while I try to resuscitate. Hang in there. I will bounce back. I have to.
Just about this time last year I thought I was about to burst out, because there was so much to say. So much to talk about. But, all of a sudden I met this person.
She seems to complete the sentences I wanted to talk about, she knows what makes me feel better when Im down and out. She knows the reason when I feel like a complete wreck. And in moments when I’m not thinking of doing something very stupid, I’m with her. So I suppose she is one friend, who is more messed up than I’m currently.
On a very personal side note, One more birthday went by. I’m a year older and definitely more wider and inching closer towards that magical thing called writing your PhD. The PhD still seems like a daunting task. And It is more than what I can chew, nibble or even swallow. But I’m at it, slowly ans steadily I shall win the battle. And I’m pitted against people I don’t know.
I have somehow lost touch with my old ways, I seem to have lost that ability to laugh carefree and also the ability to trust someone. The kind of people I meet, and some who I used to call friends turn out to be very confused, two faces and at most very complicated beings. The one person who romanticized everything, seems to have lost her marbles.
Yet another one seems to have been bitten by the bug called dissertation. She has lost sense of time and space. Or may be just too stoned.
As for the men in my life. There are none so far. And it is easier and happier this way. Where I can deal with my mood swings and tantrums all by myself. And as for the only one I was ever close to seems to be as close as the Moon is close to the Earth, which only cause tides!
And these tidal surges cause large scale loss of energy for me and the loss of working energy. Hence, I try to avoid it like the plague, but heart as usual is difficult to train and reign back. But he futile efforts continue.
Rest in Next. I need to hurry out to meet my Supervisor. Let me paste that superficial smile on my face and act like all is well and normal. Normality is or rather acting like it is the best strategy.
Movie – Yeh Jawaani hai Deewani.
Video – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CyLDe7rw48w. (youtube) Source.
I like it when people do – A day in picture, everyday one picture kind of thing. I decided to try it but being my lazy self and my phone camera has a mind of its own, which means a picture a day is not a great idea.
I’m attempting to do one song everyday challenge. Where I challenge myself to find good songs and post it for myself. (Yeah I can sound a little narcissistic at times)
these songs are purely based on my choices, you may like it or not but I definitely like it. 😛
This is my way of unwinding after trying to live my everyday life.
So today I present to you Kabira from the movie YJHD.
Since the time I last logged in. Months have passed, the year has progressed, I get to hear more depressing things more often. And also, people have started treating me like really old person. The reason being- my elder brother’s marriage.
With his marriage the focus has shifted to me now. The next scape goat in the family is me.
The new member in my family is a jolly good person. And cheers to that fact!
And then, academic presentations happened, met new people. Some old friends have decided to shift cities, but this time they are moving closer home. This fact gives me immense pleasure because now I have more places to crash into in Bangalore than ever before. A total of 4 friends with huge houses and one dear friend with a hostel room.
Bangalore is the next destination.
As for delhi, it is still the same, sticky weather, sucky people and stinky areas!
Motto for the day/week/month- A post everyday/week/month(atleast)
Keeping fingers crossed. 🙂
What do you do when you are a full time PhD student.
It is winters now, so you decide to curl up in your blanket, lazily lift one eyelid and check if it is 9 so that you can actually go down and get breakfast, warm tea and catch few of your friend sleep walking int o the dining hall to get the daily grub.
During winter, a small lighting hits you as you try and brush your teeth. That feeling that your teeth might be shivering because of the cold water wash. And the you decide to visit the loo, you already think of the cold cold water hitting you at odd places and shiver at the thought of taking a bath. I have an added disadvantage, I have to read the weather forecast before taking a bath, I have long hair; I need to find out in advance if my tresses can dry if I wash them on a wintery day. When everybody is reading up on news, I look at the weather forecast and also look out for any signs of weather changes to make that very important decision in winters; To take a bath or not. 😀
That done, it time for me to drag my lazy self to get going to my school to become this PhD student, who is supposed to read and reek knowledge. headphone tucked in and wearing layers and more layers I decide to walk to wards m school. I slowly sense that people walking with me have a sense of urgency in them, they suddenly walking faster and faster as they approach the main academic buildings. Unknowingly I too start walking faster. I try to keep in pace with others. I read my destination huffing and puffing. I look around my school and walk into the building and settle down on a seat. I sit down, only to realize that chair seat is much colder that I thought it was. I’m trying hard to stop shivering and concentrate on the day’s work. Reading academic papers, and feel all geeky. I notice friends trickling in. I join them in chatter and continue to read and once in a while join in on the fun that happens around me.
Evening you decide to walk back to the hostel and continue the routine of folding the washed clothes, making customary friendly chatter with others on the same floor as me in the hostel. And night is when I sit down and stalk my friends on Facebook, wait longingly for my folks to call and chat and wait more for a loved one to call. But that very awaited call doesn’t happen. I dream about it more in my sleep, only to realize that it is just a wish and a dream.
And it a new day again, the routine continues. And I live on to do what is expected of a PhD student. Act studious, uptight and happy in my own little world.
I have always wanted to tell you that you are just as human as me, and stop acting really snobbish. The last time you told me that one of your journo friend writes amazingly, I nodded a yes, only to save myself from the trouble of trying to explain the ways in which she doesn’t get the idea of writing with her mind in the right place and not her heart. But you bicker, you assume and also blindly believe it is so. Let your faith save you!
I just read her new piece on today’s paper and its not just me but most who read it think it is pure piece of crap.